October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month.
Talk about it
It is heartbreaking and it is life changing ... yet, no one ever talks about it. You’re not alone.
One in every four women who become pregnant, have either their pregnancies end in miscarriage or leave the hospital without their baby.
It maybe your first, second or sixth miscarriage or loss. It maybe a loss you shared with a spouse or that of a close family members, that you took on grief for. Whatever the situation, you are not alone in your pain. Keep talking about it and keep sharing your story. Share with a partner, a close friend, or even a relative. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to someone you know, seek out professional help and get your story off your chest. It truly helps the healing process.
My Story
I am 1 in 4.
2 pregnancies. 1 loss & 1 Son.
I will be the first to say, it is difficult. You feel like you were not able to protect your baby. You feel like it’s your fault… you drank too much caffeine, you had alcohol before you knew you were pregnant, you should not of exercised so hard that day or you should have realized what was going on. You feel like your body, something that is supposed to be a safe place and create life, has failed you. Well, I felt that way too. I thought all of those things. I swore it was my fault. That I had done something wrong or that I could have prevented it. How could such a beautiful and exciting time, turn into such a sad and scary event?
Six weeks pregnant, my husband and I were over the moon excited! We were surprised, but we were ready! We started planning a nursery and thinking about names. We started wondering how we would tell our family and all the things we had to do in the next 8 months. We were SO excited! But man, did I feel like crap! The first trimester is not for me! I just kept telling myself, it will all be worth it and the awful morning sickness will subside in due time. The day before our first appointment, I woke up feeling great. I had energy, I wasn’t throwing up, I got out of bed and was eating real food… “what a good day!” I thought. I had NO idea that was a bad thing…
The next day, we had our ultrasound. The midwife looked a little confused, told me to hold my breath, and kept staring blankly at the screen. She said “I need to get the OB, I will be right back”. The second she closed the door, my husband grabbed me and hugged me, tears poured down my face. We knew EXACTLY was going on now. There was a baby in there, but sadly a baby with no heartbeat. Based upon the measurements, Baby had stopped growing just a day or two before… I kicked myself, how did I not know when my symptoms went away!? We had a Missed Miscarriage. With heartbreak, frustration, and pure sadness, I just wanted it to be all over. Not that I was already miserable enough, but, I could not just sit around and wait for the baby to fully miscarry… I needed this pain to end. I agreed to take the pills and speed this terrible process along. Of course. they didn’t work!! I was in so much pain. Both mentally and now physically. The entire situation was now so much worse and not even close to over! Days later, I was in the O.R. getting surgery. The first surgery of my entire life. A surgery to remove the egg that my body apparently was refusing to give up, even though it was no longer alive. I was miserable. I was in pain and my heart was broken. I felt empty and helpless. I kept it to myself and my husband tried to give me space to grieve. At such an early stage in pregnancy, it is just a thought to him… but to a woman, its a real feeling of life inside of you, and a part of you that you just cannot explain. For the past few weeks my life was completely different.. I felt different. Now, it was all just over. After a few days, I talked to him. We cried together and we realized we had such similar feelings about the entire thing. He too felt destroyed and felt that he failed to protect this little life. He felt that he should have done more to help me relax or watched what I ate more… he too felt so much grief and pain. Pain that I had no idea what there. I was relieved I talked to him. We reassured each other that neither of us could stop it. Neither of us were at fault and together we did everything we could. We made a plan and we moved forwards, together. It made us stronger and we still talk about it every once in awhile. We went through it as a family and talking about it helped me more than I thought possible.
....
Being one of the most difficult things I had been through, I felt defeated. By everyone and everything.
But now, having my healthy rainbow baby, I am so thankful my angel baby chose me. That baby made me a Mom. That baby opened our eyes to parenthood. He/she let us know we were ready and now was the time. It showed us that as parents, we were strong and we were able to build up from our rock bottom. That baby was the greatest gift to us and our family. I most certainly would not have my handsome son today, if I had not gone through what I did, when I did.
Missed miscarriage. Heartache. Pain. Surgery. Defeat. Guilt. Frustration. Anxiety.
It all hurt so bad and it was an unimaginable and overwhelming feeling that you don’t really understand. That feeling lingered on, for months and throughout my next pregnancy. It created so much anxiety in everything I did, trying to protect my next little baby as much as I possibly could. I freaked out when he didn’t move, when I didn’t hear a heartbeat or when I felt the slightest bit different, even if just for a second. My angel baby changed so much in my life but I am so blessed that he/she chose me to be their mommy. My angel baby started my family
Talk about it and share your story! You angel deserves to be honored & remembered.
